Love and annoyance

Some days I have what can best be described as a love/extremely annoyed relationship with my life, and this mostly has to do with the fact that I have two young children. Sometimes I really get annoyed with my kids. And it isn’t their fault. It is mine for not having enough patience and having too many things that I need and want to get done. And I just love them to pieces so I am not unhappy with the fact that I have kids, I just want more time.

Right now I am only working half days in the lab. This is due to a couple reasons:
1. We can’t afford full time care for two kids, and
2. The kids and I don’t wake up until 7:30ish and I can’t get them and myself ready quickly enough to be anywhere before 10.
So I drop the kids off at 12:30, and I am in the lab by 12:45 or 1.

It seems intuitive that I would have enough time in the mornings before I drop off the kids to get things done around the house. This is simply not the case. Once I get Riddick settled, Trinity needs something, and vice versa. Plus I am trying to deal with the dog and getting myself breakfast and ready to go, and getting kids fed and ready. Needless to say, our mornings are hectic, and most days I feel overwhelmed.

I feel like I am making very little progress toward my degree because of the part-time daycare issue. I know that, eventually, I will be able to get more reading done at home when Trinity gets a little older and isn’t so dependent on mommy. But at this juncture in my graduate career, I feel like I need to be closer to at least getting a publication out. Perhaps I compare myself to other graduate students too much, especially those who do not have children. There are days when I don’t even get into the lab because I have to run errands that I simply cannot do with a bull-headed, independent, spirited 3 year old and an infant in tow. The balance (or lack thereof) of work and home really takes its toll.

Right now I think I will have to spend more time in graduate school to get finished, which is really not ideal. Not because of my home life, but because of the financial situation that would put us in. So in addition to the other worries in my life, I worry about this.

However, balanced with all the frustration and worry is the love part of my life. When I step back, take a deep breath, and just look at my life, I love it. My family is amazing (extended included) and I love them. I love where I live. I love my friends. I love what I do. And then I realize that I really do stress too much about stuff. I just need to take one day at a time and get done what I can and not worry so much about what I can’t.