Love and annoyance

Some days I have what can best be described as a love/extremely annoyed relationship with my life, and this mostly has to do with the fact that I have two young children. Sometimes I really get annoyed with my kids. And it isn’t their fault. It is mine for not having enough patience and having too many things that I need and want to get done. And I just love them to pieces so I am not unhappy with the fact that I have kids, I just want more time.

Right now I am only working half days in the lab. This is due to a couple reasons:
1. We can’t afford full time care for two kids, and
2. The kids and I don’t wake up until 7:30ish and I can’t get them and myself ready quickly enough to be anywhere before 10.
So I drop the kids off at 12:30, and I am in the lab by 12:45 or 1.

It seems intuitive that I would have enough time in the mornings before I drop off the kids to get things done around the house. This is simply not the case. Once I get Riddick settled, Trinity needs something, and vice versa. Plus I am trying to deal with the dog and getting myself breakfast and ready to go, and getting kids fed and ready. Needless to say, our mornings are hectic, and most days I feel overwhelmed.

I feel like I am making very little progress toward my degree because of the part-time daycare issue. I know that, eventually, I will be able to get more reading done at home when Trinity gets a little older and isn’t so dependent on mommy. But at this juncture in my graduate career, I feel like I need to be closer to at least getting a publication out. Perhaps I compare myself to other graduate students too much, especially those who do not have children. There are days when I don’t even get into the lab because I have to run errands that I simply cannot do with a bull-headed, independent, spirited 3 year old and an infant in tow. The balance (or lack thereof) of work and home really takes its toll.

Right now I think I will have to spend more time in graduate school to get finished, which is really not ideal. Not because of my home life, but because of the financial situation that would put us in. So in addition to the other worries in my life, I worry about this.

However, balanced with all the frustration and worry is the love part of my life. When I step back, take a deep breath, and just look at my life, I love it. My family is amazing (extended included) and I love them. I love where I live. I love my friends. I love what I do. And then I realize that I really do stress too much about stuff. I just need to take one day at a time and get done what I can and not worry so much about what I can’t.

Sleep, how I miss thee...

I love my sleep. I have loved it since before I can remember. It drove my mother crazy that I like to sleep so much. Before I had kids, I would lounge around for hours on the weekend, drifting in and out of consciousness.

These days I am lucky if I get four hours uninterrupted. And I am exhausted.

Today, however, I feel better than I normally do. Trinity has been waking up between 6:30 and 7. Usually this wouldn't bother me, but since she isn't sleeping through the night yet, I feel completely exhausted getting up that early. This morning she work up around 8. And she laid in bed quietly, playing with her feet so her mama could get another hour of sleep. It was glorious.

When she wakes up that early and I am exhausted, I am frustrated that she doesn't sleep longer. But every morning when I finally open my eyes, she looks over at me and a beautiful smile comes across her face. Like she was just waiting as patiently as she could for me to wake up, and when I do she is so excited that I am awake so I can love her. And the frustration subsides.

Really, how can you stay mad at this face?

I can't remember when Riddick did that as a baby. Fortunately, he is young enough to still want his mama. On the weekends, I usually try to take a nap with the kids. Trinity and Riddick and I all pile into bed and go to sleep. Sometimes I wake up before Trinity does to find Riddick already awake, just laying there...waiting as patiently as he can for his mama to open her eyes so he can flash her his beautiful smile that says, "Love me, mama." And at that moment, everything is right in the world.

 Or this one?